|
|
ich heisse superfantastik
|
|
|
| There is no running that will hide you, because I can see in the dark |
[18 May 2006|07:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 I'm so stupid! |
] |
Whew. Good lord, it's like you Think and you Think but It truly Does Not Matter. Sometimes capitalization for Emphasis is a Good Thing.
Should I even bother talking about what happened last night? Can I? I feel so Terrible. I wish that I could just, squeeze my feelings into Devon's head, make him feel the way I do. Make him Understand.
After last night.... I feel like I just need a good stiff drink. The stiffest drink my stomach can stand?
Good god! He called me a slut. A bunch of times, told me to go fuck myself, called me a fucking cunt, told me I was trash, a tramp. He doesn't mean that. He was angry, and hurt, and he felt betrayed, lied to..
It all goes back to me being a fucking awful person.
I try to forget things, I try to hide them and hope it never comes up, but it does. It's proof: I cannot keep anything from him. If he and I are going to work, I have to.
Thing about it is, I can barely remember those days in Hopewell. I mean, I was on a hell of a lot more drugs then I was after I left, and I do remember being really depressed because of DEVON breaking up with me.
Question: Is casual sex ALWAYS bad?
Devon called me a tramp, but is that not what he wants/wanted to do with me? Casual sex? It's like, "I don't want to be with you, but no one else can." Even if it was a fucking year ago! Well, more than a year, actually.
*Casual sex- n., sex with someone who isn't your 'partner'*
Why am I so stupid? Didn't I think when I did those things? Why did I do them? Neither of the two experiences were personal, or even impressionable on memory. It's like, the worst sex I've ever had in my life in the sex that fucking kills me.
But what is going on now? Devon, he's crazy. About me. I know it now, I didn't realize. He's so damn good at hiding it, at masking it with this whole "I'm too cool to care" demise. But he really, really, really does care about me. In a really sick way, I'm glad this happened. It's guilt that I got off of me, and it's... just really good that he knows now. I'm never going to lie to him again, about anything. It's unnecessary.
I can't lose the only person that really matters. I CAN'T, I will go fucking nuts. I'll have to be locked up in a psych ward. Especially knowing that I hurt him so badly and that he really does care about me, and if he were to stop talking to me it would be all my fault.
I would've stayed on the phone with him all night, but I was really nauseaus and I had a splitting headache ( that's the kind of headache that you get when you sob uncontrollably for an hour. The last few things I said to him I was only getting out through gritted teeth, trying not to retch again.
God, I'm fucking disgusting.
Whatever. What can I do about it now?
|
|
|
[16 May 2006|10:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
I'm eating ramen noodles. The beefy kind. Just a moment to appreciate that.
The new Placebo CD is the shit, with exception of a few songs, but for a majority,
it kicks ass.
And, furthermore... when I talked to Devon, he mentioned DeviantArt. I haven't been
on there in forever, but I used to have an account. And I've been more active
in this past week artwise than I have been in a year. It's awesome. I decided I'm
going to kind of turn my livejournal into a combination of an LJ & a DA. Hooray!
|
|
| Is it just me? Or is it the planet? |
[16 May 2006|08:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irritated |
] |
Or is it this fucked up existance? Reality bothers me. It sets me back in my chair and it makes me listen. It won't allow me to delirium, it would rather me sit up straight and make good impressions. But that's not my problem. Those aren't my problems. I do have plenty of problems, it seems. I think too much and I do too little and I'm just so so depressed these days I can't think straight and these self-referential loops of my brainwaves are seriously taking their toll on me. I'm exhausted, I'm fucking sick and tired of nearly everyone, I don't talk to my 'best friend' anymore, and I don't think I can bring myself to call that other one. He's... He..
..I kind of can't explain it, atleast not to justice.
I feel as though someone ripped something away from me. It's a real feeling, a coldness on my chest like something was there, but it left it's husky skull for another, one in better taste.
Devon hurts and he hurts and he hurts me. And I guess he's trying not to, but that just makes it worse..
He always knows that the lack of attention is insufferable to me.
That's why Devon is/was so great at pissing me off.
How can I allow a boy to bring my life down so monumentally? Isn't it senseless of me? I really want to just.. go out and have fun. And I try, but the people sometimes... they aren't the ones I really want.
I'm so stuck in the past.
That's my problem. My answer? "Get over it." Obvious.
Dilemma: I HURT. And I'm so tired of people. They drain me, my brain can't stop trying to analyze EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. It's too much. I wish it (my brain) had a control knob, and I could turn it down to "Take it Easy" but..
Obvious.
I've been really withdrawn, and introvertive.
I've been drawing alot. Perhaps I'll scan some today, I've got nothing better to do.
At least, not for the ENTIRE DAY.
My plans for right now?
Keep typing... play some great classic SNES games (Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest, Final Fantasy III, and Secret of Mana), work out on the damn bike and with the weights (all together maybe an hour, and hour and a half's time), clean.., and maybe come back to the computadora later.
Maybe I should see a doctor? I really dislike my emotions and my thoughts. And now, I sort of don't have anyone to talk to. I've got plenty of friends, but that's not what I mean. There were two people who were in my life that were the upper and lower of my mental health spine, and they were Devon and Ashten. Well... no explanation needed.
I mean, it's probably post-pardum, or whatever the fuck it is, the after break-up willies.
But... I can't stand Devon. He's fucking killing me. I don't even talk to him really anymore.. but he haunts me, you know? He told me he had a myspace, so I looked. He does. It makes me mad... well, not mad. Just depressed. And lonely. And missing OUR old days. God, it was so nice. But it was bad, too. Really bad. And really unhealthy for me.
I guess, maybe, all in all, he's just not a very nice guy. He says things to me without even blinking consideration towards my reaction/emotions. Sometimes I think he truly wants to hurt me, like he plans it out that way, he says things so callously so that they sink in and really bite, so I try harder.
But he doesn't want me?
Loves me like a sister. Pfft.
He has a really odd way of showing his affection for his siblings.
Like, "Hey, I really, really love you.......like a sister.... that I fucked."
Everytime the excuse is different, but the backdrop is the same.
He can't handle a girlfriend.
If he thinks I'm bad... good god.
Girls on his myspace.. that really bothers me.
God- I'm so fucking psycho! WHO CARES? He's out of my life now. Devon + Rachel is NO MORE. WHY CAN'T I GET IT THROUGH MY FUCKING HEAD? It's like my brain dissolves the knowledge, then rejects the information.
But I mean, those were the best times.
I have so much love for him. It's really tough. He wants someone "better". He wants to regurgitate all of the people in his life and start from scratch, I know it. He does it compulsively.
Shit happens in his life, he gets stressed/depressed, and wants a new plate.
But he kept coming back for seconds.
HE LED ME ON.
He told me we'd move in together. That was 'the plan'. It's what made me begin considering GED. But whatever.
Lying bastard.
I'm just angry, and upset, and hurt really terribly. I just want to be close to someone. Someone that fits qualifications, someone that isn't going to hurt me. Someone **NEW**. Wouldn't it be wonderful?
I'm going to try to meet new people. Isn't that my only option?
I can't be a recluse forever.
I've got to work on bettering MYSELF. Fuck other people, I need the attention.
- Rachel
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.6){kind=small}
saturnbeads's journal
ditzy
embarrassed
private
love my cat!
